Respect Dare Wrap Up: It’s Not About You (Marriage as a Partnership)

My husband is my best friend, lover, confidante, prayer warrior among a whole list of other things. What I have learned is that I am those same things or at least I’m supposed to be those same things to him, too. This last week of The Respect Dare has been an emotional roller coaster but what stuck out to me was a reminder that my marriage is not about me. Wow!

In a post-Oprah era wives have come to believe that we deserve time for ourselves despite the challenges in our spouse’s life. We believe that we come first and everything somehow revolves around us because we are the superwoman helpmeet that seems to hold everything together. We have forgotten that our other half bares the weight of the world on their shoulders, too.

If our husbands are in need of something that may inconvenience us or we may not be in the mood to do at that moment we say no or not now. Our loving husbands concede to our wants and desires and follow our flow to keep the peace forsaking their needs. They put their heads down and keep working peacefully and rarely say a word. The old saying is true, that if mom isn’t happy no one is happy, right? They make it work because their desire is to please us but when is it their turn? When is it their turn to have their desires considered within this partnership?

Wives, it’s just us so be honest. It does feel great being the center of your husband’s world. He yields to your desire when you say that you have had a rough day. He’s a gentleman who understands that this moment for intimacy is not right for you. He gets up before you even though he wants to hug the bed more just so that you have more time in the bathroom. He goes out of his way to bring you that treat that you have craved but when is it his turn?

I know that I am not talking to all wives because I know that there is a bunch of you that are superhuman, superhero, and super perfect helpmeets that always put your husbands’s needs first. I’m just talking to us that forget to consider that when you are having a bad day that he might have had one, too. I know that your co-worker may have been mean to you today but his boss called him out in front of everyone for the third time this month. I know that you have had to deal with the children and planning the meals but he has had to redo the budget the third time this month to make sure that everything was covered and he’s considered getting a second job to make ends meet. He may need your words of encouragement and support this day, first. He may need twenty minutes to himself when he gets home just to regroup from his day before he can help with the kids. He may need you to run an extra errand in your already full day because he cannot get away from the job early enough to do it. You’re a team a now and sometimes we have to “take one for the team.”

I dare you to let your husband have that extra five minutes today and remember that you are a team.

Winning at marriage one moment at a time!

To get more information about the Respect Dare click here.

Respect Dare Wrap Up: Lessons Not Learned

On my personal Facebook and Twitter page I post a hashtag called #LessonsLearned. They are things that I have learned as a result of being challenged in various areas of my life and finally understand the lesson in overcoming. No one else could save me from these lessons and I still get the value of them. They were things that I needed to experience to make me grow.

I shared that first today as we discuss this week’s Respect Dare because as wives we naturally want our homes to run as perfectly as possible. That can sometimes mean that we take on tasks that we should probably delegate. It can also mean that if we think that the person (our husbands) won’t complete the task we may take over or nag him about it. As tempting as it may seem to complete the task, no matter how severe, if they agreed to do the task we must let them complete it and trust that God will help them in the process.

I have to admit that this was another one of those “oops and ouch” moments in reading The Respect Dare. I admit that I even cried at how I had been in God’s way while He was guiding my husband to the right path. I thought about all the times that He was teaching my husband a lesson and because I thought that I knew the answer I jumped in the way. I stopped God’s tutoring time with my husband so that He could see me doing it right. God was helping my husband to get an A+ in an area but I kept drawing the attention away from him because of my own fears of lack, inadequacy, and potential embarrassment.

I forgot that we are a team. I think about all of my favorite movies about sports where there was a hotshot captain or player who thought that the team was nothing without them. The player would say to the coach that the team needed them and couldn’t do any better without them. The coach would try to help the good player to realize that actually the hotshot was nothing without the team. That player had to learn to allow the other members to get better at playing the sport by letting them take the shots and making the play in the game.

In the beginning the team would still lose but as they improved in their confidence and knowledge the margin they lost by was growing smaller. Eventually they won the game but it only came after allowing the teammates to learn on their own. The hotshot learned to encourage and not tear down their other teammates. The hotshot learned to ask permission to teach a different way rather than taking over and doing it by himself.  The teammates became better when the team acted as one and not separate teams.

Wives, our role is to be a helpmate and not our husband’s savior. Each time we think that we are saving the family from something because our husband’s did not do it we are in God’s way. We have to prayerfully check in with God first and allow Him to guide us both. Remember we are not perfect beings and don’t always get an A+ in our spiritual lessons, either. We need to extend the same grace that we expect with our imperfect moments. We need to encourage our husbands even in the challenging moments and humbly ask questions. We need to trust that God can and will be a better tutor for the lesson that He is helping our husbands to learn than we are.

My prayer is that wives that are challenged in being in control would fully rely on God to be the tutor for both her and her husband. I pray that we would be honest about our fears of letting go control and trust God with all of our heart and not lean to our understanding. I pray that we would remember that no matter what it looks like that God promises that ALL things work together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose. I pray that when we are feeling overwhelmed with what looks like it may not work that we would simply cast all of our cares on God because we know without a doubt that he cares for us. I thank God in advance for victory in this area. In Jesus Name. Amen.

I dare you to let go control and allow God to tutor your husband.

Winning at marriage one moment at a time!

To get more information about The Respect Dare click here.

The Respect Dare Wrap Up: Respecting His Efforts

This week’s dare reminded me of some time that I spent with some elders early in our marriage. I remember complaining about how my husband mopped the floor. The elders stopped me dead in my tracks and told me to say nothing to him about it. They explained that if I wanted to continue to receive his help that I would have to respect his efforts. Over the years he has become very good at mopping the floor and takes great pride in it. I wonder what would have happened if I had not taken the advice of those wise women.

I have unfortunately witnessed the opposite with some former friends and associates with their husbands. Instead of allowing the husband to try his best to complete the task, the wife always took over or told him how to do it “better.” It did not occur to me at the time that their actions did not communicate respect. I just knew that I felt uncomfortable and imagined the husband did also.

Most husbands love to be affirmed for their efforts. It is almost as if we are their measuring stick to see how well they did. Have you ever noticed that when you sincerely compliment your husband or publicly praise him that you begin to see an increase in that area? Our husbands love compliments and praise just as much as wives. They want to be noticed for their efforts.

I wish that I could say that I always took the advice of the wise women that talked to me about respecting my husband’s efforts but I didn’t.  I remember one Mother’s Day, my husband decided to make me a wonderful Sunday dinner. He was very excited to do this special thing for me because our two youngest children were both under five years old at the time. The food was less than great but he made the effort. I can’t remember if I said anything that day but I do remember sharing with others about the greens that were half washed and the tasteless macaroni and cheese in front of him.

I embarrassed him and was totally disrespectful. It was a long time before he attempted to make another large meal like that again. Honestly, I am not Martha Stewart in the kitchen either but my husband never cracked jokes like I did. I would have stopped trying to get better and learn recipes if he had done the same. In retrospect I wished that I had applied the same principle that the wise women shared with me in the beginning of my marriage.

I have learned the value of respecting his efforts and appreciate Nina Roesner for adding this concept to the book. This week I was reminded to look for opportunities to publicly praise my husband rather than publicly humiliate him for his efforts (even if I thought it was innocent). My husband doesn’t mind cooking a major dinner and actually experiments with flavors, now. He has his own special dishes that no one else can make and I certainly appreciate the effort after a long week. I choose to publicly praise my husband and respect his efforts.

I dare you to publicly praise your husband’s efforts.

Winning at marriage one moment at a time!

To get more information about the Respect Dare click here.

Respect Dare Wrap Up: Reasons to Love Him

This last week has been absolutely eye opening since beginning the Respect Dare Challenge. At first I wanted to ring my social media friend, Nina Roesner’s neck for inviting me to take the challenge but then I realized that this book was just what I needed. As I have said in a few of my posts now, respect isn’t just agreeing with your husband.

It is in the way you speak to him, the way you listen to him, the way you respond to him and how you serve him. It is your humble and kind response to him. Are you doing these things graciously or ungraciously? Are you showing compassion and patience or are you critical and impatient with him? Do you shut down when you don’t get your way or do you effectively communicate your concerns? All of this in one short week and I have less than 30 more days to go.

I think that of all the days that have touched my heart was the day that asked me to remember why I fell in love with my husband. I didn’t realize how much this task would cause me to reminisce about the past. Some things saddened me but most brought tears of joy to my eyes. God showed me how we have grown over the years together. He showed me how our hopes, dreams, and goals have evolved over the years to match who we have become. While I saw the death of one dream God raised up another in its place that is bearing fruit. Where there was seemingly silence in one area God is speaking loudly instructing and guiding us as one unit.

My husband is the one who makes me smile when I’m having a tough day. He cracks corny jokes when I am watching a television show a little too deeply that moves me to tears. He is the one who serves others needs before his own because of his past experiences. He loves God and he easily forgives His people even when I think that they deserve a few more moments of unforgiveness. (I’m a work in progress lol) How could I not remember the love that I have for him?

I could not see any of these changes if I had never been asked to look at the past and then see it how God sees it. I saw all of the things that made me fall in love with my husband even though my family and friends will tell you it happened long before I said the words. lol We were meant to be together and unfortunately there just isn’t enough time or space to fill these pages so that I could tell you how our meeting was not by chance or that where I am weak he is strong and vice versa. I am so grateful that God allowed him to find me and placed the two of us together for as long as we both shall live.

Winning at marriage one moment at a time!

I dare you to take a few moments to remember why you fell in love and see what God sees.

To get more information about the Respect Dare and where you can purchase it. Click here.

Respect Dare Day 3: My Imperfections

When I was asked to join the Respect Dare challenge I thought this should be great. I will learn how to respect my husband better and become a better biblical wife. Who knew that the ouch and oops would happen so soon at day 3? I guess I should have expected it, right? I mean the title is Respect Dare. It’s not Respect When It Is Convenient or Respect When I Am Fully Comfortable.

In my head I am a perfect version of Every Woman, Superwoman, head CEO, and Vice President of my well oiled brand I call home but in truth I am a simple woman with weaknesses, faults, and missed opportunities to get it right. Now I don’t say those things as a form of condemnation but out of humility. In the beginning of my marriage I thought that I had to have it all together and thought that I could. I quickly learned that picture of perfection was a myth when it came to real life responsibilities that included 3 children and a husband. I could not be the woman that I thought my mother was who seemed to do things so effortlessly in caring for her 3 girls with the help of her younger sister. I didn’t know that I needed help or could ask for it then but I know today.

Day 3 of the Respect Dare is a reminder of how my imperfection as a wife humbles me to know that I can’t do this marriage thing alone. I need the blessing that God has allowed to find me to help keep me balanced and a circle of strong godly women to hold me accountable. No, every day is not perfect but it is worth the journey along the way.

Respecting your husband is about more than agreeing with him and allowing him to make decisions as the Holy Spirit leads him. It’s about respecting that he is a work in progress just like you. He is not perfect nor will he ever be. He has shortcomings just like you (when you are willing to admit to yours). He has goals and dreams like you but sometimes it takes a while for him to realize them. Be patient. God has him under construction and can do more with his Grace and Mercy Company than we ever could.

I can attest to the fact that when you surrender your will to God and allow Him to work through both you and your husband you can and will see a change. I have to give up the appearance of perfection and do the work that it takes to improve. Even after 14 years of marriage I am still a work in progress. As I stated in the beginning I did have to say ouch and oops to the some of the things that I have read and learned in the Respect Dare, so far. It’s uncomfortable but it’s nothing that I can’t handle (with God’s grace of course).

As I continue with the remainder of this 40 day challenge I pray that God reveals more about my role as a wife that shows respect unconditionally to my husband as I expect him to unconditionally love me. I pray that as God shows me insights about my own shortcomings and the transformation that occurs that my transparency will help you to find the patience you need to do the same. Finally I pray that you would join me on this journey and share your insights with others. You never know who may need to know that they are not alone in their challenges and victory is possible.

I dare you to be willing to take an honest look at your imperfections in the raw and keep coming back so we can grow together. Let’s go.

If you would like to learn more about the dare connect with the author at http://www.ninaroesner.com