Why Your Children May Not Want To Be Married

I wasn’t sure where to place this post so I have chosen to post it in both of my blogs.

I was talking to a group of ladies a few weeks ago about marriage and single-hood and the topic came up twice about why they weren’t sure if they wanted to be married. Their decision or lack thereof really boiled down to their perception of their parent’s marriage. These adult children were trying to wrap their minds around a topic of which they had not taken the time to understand from their parents perspective. They had not asked the tough questions because they may have been afraid of the answers.

When parents have challenges in their marriage and their adult children are aware it takes the Superman and Superwoman suits off and leaves the parents looking vulnerable. Adult children then have to choose to accept the frailty of their parent’s humanity or try to maintain the perfect picture of their perfect parents. The perfect parent who had an adulterous affair is now the enemy to the child even though the other parent has forgiven them. The perfect parent who stayed with her husband through many job losses or changes is seen as weak rather than strong for honoring her vows “for richer and poorer.” The perfect parent is seen as a doormat for supporting the other parent’s dreams and not following their own rather than a person of wisdom who understood that supporting their spouse’s dream was bigger than them both.

I could go on and on about various scenarios but hopefully you get the point. Parent’s what are you teaching your children about marriage? Are you having appropriate conversations about choices made within your marriage or how married folks make decisions? Are you healed and healthy enough to share wisdom learned over the years with your adult children about the choices you made so that as your children grow and prayerfully when they eventually get married can choose to have a healthy marriage or at least a healthy view about marriage?

Contrary to popular belief marriage is not about an individual’s happiness but about agreement to follow through with a commitment to the best of your ability by choosing each other’s happiness first.  It’s about living out the principles of the God’s word as it relates to love. What I am learning everyday is that marriage is an “experiment” in 1 Corinthians 13.

If our adult children can learn and accept that then maybe we would see the percentage in marriages go up and divorces going down. Please share your thoughts.

Be encouraged and keep winning.

A Husband With Dreams Needs a Wife With Vision

When I was younger I watched a lot of talk shows that talked about marriage. Most talked about the husband being this super provider who had it all together. If he could not fulfill this role he was not worth your time and you were encouraged to divorce. This was picture of marriage made me not want to join this club. The truth is that husbands are not these perfect providers that have it all together any more than wives are these superwomen who take care of everything else.

Having a husband who has lost his ability to dream or lost sight of his vision can be challenging but it is not a reason to stop fighting for your marriage. It’s a time to begin to pray for him, encourage him, and support him. If you have found your purpose and your husband has not or he has lost sight of his vision because of life’s unpredictable ups and downs then this is not the time to leave him on his own. If you leave you truly are leaving half of you behind because the two were supposed to become one. Our marriages are not about us but how we honor God together.

Ask yourself how did you arrive at your purpose? What did it take for you to get there? What things can you do to support your husband to find his purpose or to reach his goal?  Remember we are helpmates. This is not a calling for the faint of heart. You were created to go through this journey together. He may not be able to see that he misses coaching and mentoring young people without your observing eye. He may not realize that he is a great salesperson with a knack for helping people get what they need and want without you telling him what an awesome job he is doing. He may never know how much he really loves serving others unless you point out how he seems to light up when he shares about his day.

Be his support, his help, his personal cheerleader, and his intercessor (pray for him) so that he knows that he can do it. Trust that God will open his heart and mind to the possible opportunities if he has lost sight of his vision or has stopped dreaming. Pray that God will send godly men for whom he confide in and receive wise godly counsel. Hold the vision of a godly marriage together while he sorts his part out. After all this is what we signed up for…for as long as we both shall live.

Be encouraged and keep winning.

 

A LETTER TO MY SON

Instead of the usual me receiving gifts on Father’s Day, God has given me a gift to give my sons.

To me Father’s Day is a very meaningful day, I had one of if not the greatest father and because of him I am trying as a father to raise you son as man that the world will love to have marry their daughter. I believe fatherhood is a great gift from God. God has entrusted me to develop, mold and teach you my wonderful gifts of sons to be men. It is with that responsibility I have pledged to God to give my all no matter how difficult it becomes. My duty as a father doesn’t end once you become 21, my duty just changes.

Son as much as it would be great to be your friend my first job and more importantly most important job is to be your father. I have but one life and one chance to be the father God has called upon me to be and with this life and only chance I stand up to the challenge of fatherhood and make this promise to you.

I promise, as your father, to the best of my abilities to

1. Provide for you spiritually, emotionally and financially
2. Protect you physically, spiritually and emotionally
3. Pray for your physical, emotional, financial and spiritual well being

In this promise as your father no matter what obstacles, problems situations or circumstances that come I will forever believe in the greatness God has planted in you. Sometimes it may appear to you that I have given up on you, trust me I haven’t I am allowing you to find your way. I will be there for you in your lowest of lows and your highest of highs. I will cry with you in your failures and will celebrate you in your triumphs. I will sometimes be your biggest fan, your biggest critic, your best friend, but more importantly, as my father was to me I PROMISE to you until my dying breath, I will always be your FATHER.

Marriage Ministry, Meet Social Media

The other day we talked about the importance of marriage ministry and the reason participation is not higher. I realized after participating in another marriage related event that ministry looks different today than it did years ago. I overlooked the large participation of fans and followers from across the world who have joined social media marriage ministry on Facebook, Linked In, Twitter, Google +, and others.  Husbands and wives have connected to these platforms to learn what they would traditionally learn in a room with other couples on their own time.

Our informal poll conducted through our friends’ pages revealed that the top reason for not participating in marriage ministry was that it was non-existent in some of their churches. God showed me today that our social media platforms have filled a need for many who may never get a chance to set foot in a formal workshop, seminar, date night, or other events given by a traditional marriage ministry. We as social media marriage ministry leaders have a responsibility to share with those who are unable to find a ministry closest to them. That means that we have to learn how to encourage, correct, and challenge couples in a more creative way. We have to allow God to use us outside the box. That does not mean that traditional ministries should stop having events. It just means that the reach has to be more creative and intentional to help reach not just those that we physically come in contact with but those that we may never see.

What social media marriage ministry pages or websites have encouraged you in your marriage?

 

One Sided Fight

We often hear from couples saying, “I’m the only one that is fighting for this marriage.”  Although I understand our campaign’s mission, I would often visualize one person with their heads bowed with tears in their eyes and their hands raised in frustration. Then one day God showed me as I was searching for a verse to share on the fan page that a spouse doesn’t have to feel alone in the fight because He is right there by their side.  My visualization changed to a bowed head with tears of hope and hands were raised in surrender to God’s will.

It can be frustrating and disappointing to feel as though you are the only one working for the health and stability of your marriage but know that God’s shoulders are big enough to handle your cares. And if you choose to trust and obey, He will guide you (Proverbs 3:5-6).

The bible says, in 1 Peter 5:6-7 “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” The secret to winning even when it seems that we are alone in this fight requires giving up our perceived power over to an authority greater than us. We can only do it by humbling ourselves first to God. We have to trust that He will guide us and comfort us as we win the fight for our marriages day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year.

Be encouraged and keep winning.

Too Good for Me?

I have heard some interesting reasons for people choosing to stop fighting for their marriage but I heard something that just about blew my mind a few months ago.  The woman who I was speaking to had shared with me that she was recently divorced after 31 years. Why I wondered to myself but I didn’t want to pry.  Unfortunately my eyes must have betrayed me so she shared that her husband “was a good husband just not good for her.”  I was trying to just listen and let her speak since the divorce was so fresh but everything in me wanted to drill her and ask, “Then why did you divorce?”  The Holy Spirit helped me with discretion and changed my question to, “What lessons would you share…” This 31 year marriage veteran looked at me, the Fighting for Marriage lady, and said “…if you are not happy, leave.”

Again my eyes may have betrayed me because this time she just went into detail about how her husband let her run the house and would just give her whatever she wanted. She wanted someone who would tell her to sit down or stop. I heard her heart and what it was saying was that she wanted someone to take the lead that was not her. She wanted her husband to affirm her accomplishments with words not just actions. It seems they were not speaking each other’s love language. She shared that she had lost respect for him as a result.  I finally asked did they try counseling before ending and unfortunately she said no. Her “good husband” didn’t think anything was wrong.

I can tell you from experience that if your spouse is asking for counseling something is wrong even if it isn’t clear to the spouse asking for the counseling.  Your spouse is asking for an impartial person to take a look at what they perceive the problem is and asking for help in conveying that you to you. In a matter of speaking you both need a love language interpreter that can decipher what your heart is saying to your spouse in their love language. Don’t discredit the ability of a good counselor. Look at it this way. You go to a medical doctor for a physical check up so why not consider going to a counselor for a marriage health check up?

My heart wonders what has happened to that couple. Did they decide to fight for their marriage after time away? Did the wife realize that her husband was what God gave her for a reason? Do they both realize the value of the gift that they both had and did they finally learn to express it?

My prayer is that couples who may see themselves in this couple finds the right help to keep fighting for their marriage.  Be encouraged and keep winning.

 

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER? – Circulated

Some of you may have read this before somewhere on the internet but we thought it was worth it to repost. There are some valid points in this message and worth us as married folks to take a sincere look. Share your thoughts at the end. Be encouraged and keep winning.

“During a seminar, a woman asked,” How do I know if I am with the right person?”

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” In all seriousness, she answered “How do you know?” Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind
replied the author.

Here’s the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you
fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls,
want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.”Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you
may begin to desire that experience with someone
else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know
WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a “decision”. Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO! ♥”

Wives, You Can Plan One (Date Night)

When we were first married our dates primarily consisted of going to gospel concerts, eating at some restaurant and/or the movies.  It seems that we still do some of those things but the appeal to do them has changed. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy hanging out with my husband but my interests are slightly different. I want to get out doors and do something new and exciting that my husband is happy to not do. (or so I thought)

Funny enough just before I asked him about doing the challenge on the page he said to me, “you could plan a date night.” I immediately thought you would never want to do what I want to do and then I realized that I said it rather than thinking it. He kindly and firmly said, “You can plan one.” Then I remember reading in Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” a practical way to speak “quality time” to your spouse is by doing some things that they like to do. Basically Dr. Chapman was saying to mix it up. I shared this memory with my husband and he agreed.

Even though I know that wives are involved in choosing places to go or things to do for date night, it never occurred to me regularly share in the responsibility. I mean there are two of us in the marriage and my husband’s mission in our marriage seems to be to make sure that I am happy. If being happy means trying out one of my crazy ideas for a date, I’m pretty sure he would try at least once. (lol I hope)

I don’t know what new thing we might try for our dates that are outside of the home. What I know for sure is that it will not include the movies. LOL I’ll let him do those since I know that he just wants to be close to me (and I certainly don’t mind)

Wives, what are you planning or have you planned that you and your spouse enjoy?

Beyond Valentine’s Day – The Challenge

Have you recently fallen into what singles may call a dating drought with your spouse? Can you remember the last time you had a date that didn’t include a Hallmark® holiday, birthday celebration, or your anniversary? Do you have a memory of your last time you spent with your spouse that did not include the computer, the children or your family? If you can’t remember don’t feel bad. You are definitely not alone but don’t stay there.

There is a fan page that we follow on Facebook® that regularly reminds us that , “Date Night is Not Optional.” We read it, click like and fall into our same old routines…but this year is different. We are determined to not fall into the trap of becoming too comfortable with each other that we neglect to nurture that aspect of our marriage. We don’t want to take each other for granted and end up like the unsuspecting couples who say, “We just grew apart.”

The truth is that when couples say that “we just grew apart,” something is missing. They are disconnected from their power source and it just seems to grow into being normal. Normal until one or both realize that something is wrong but they just can’t find the words to express what it is. Now if any of you reading this are already feeling disconnected we urge you to seek the help of a trained therapist to help you sort things out. For those of you who want to avoid this potential problem, We encourage you to join The Challenge.

First follow the link here to the events page to commit to doing this challenge. Then we want you and your spouse to intentionally set aside a specific day and time when you will come together for no other purpose but to date each other. You can choose how you do that but it has to be planned and attended. You can be as creative as necessary. Although money is not an issue don’t try to break the bank to reestablish your date time. Pray for and encourage those who have joined the challenge and please share tips, ideas, and how it felt to date your spouse again. We will post some tips, challenges, and fun things to do as well. Be encouraged and keep winning.

Please note: The challenge will run from February 1, 2013 through March 1, 2013. Feel free to keep going beyond the challenge since this is meant to just help you jump-start your date nights. If you have not yet joined the events page please follow the link here to sign up.

 

Who’s in your ear?

Browsing through fan pages on Facebook I came across a discussion about a wife in a sexless marriage seemingly due to her husband’s weight. The admin of the page asked for feedback from the fans to share what they would do in her situation. The answers ranged from prayer (to dare I say) divorce. My head was spinning from the candid and frank responses of those who I had assumed were single or divorced women but then I thought to myself that I do know women like this who are married. Side note: I do not go to them for marriage advice.

Reading the responses made me wonder how many married women have someone who they could confide in for wise godly counsel. Who is the influential person in their life that share biblical truths about marriage? Who is the one that encourages them to pray despite the obvious challenges? While I don’t know the results of what that wife chose to do I could only imagine if the conversation proved to be more harmful than helpful.

My prayer is that the wife seeking advice at that time was able to pull out more of the wise suggestions that included biblical principles rather than those that did not. I pray that she along with others were encouraged to seek wise godly counsel as it relates to something so intimate as her marriage. Finally I pray that for those wives that do not have someone who does have a heart for God and marriage would begin to pray to find that person.

Who’s in your ear?